Seems liberals are out to ruin everything these days. Slate — the same liberal rag that said racism may explain why some people like white turkey meat — decided to give liberals advise on how to ruin the family holiday meal.
“Despite what you’ve heard about avoiding holiday conflict, now is your time to fight,” John Cook wrote. So much for holiday cheer and civility.
“If your family is anything like mine,” he wrote, “then Thanksgiving is sort of like a brief military deployment after months and months of training. You’ve prepared all year in Internet comment sections and by yelling at Fox News on the television screen, and now you find yourself face-to-face, in close quarters, with actual Republicans, right across the table. They’re not going anywhere, and neither are you.”
Fortunately, my family is nothing like Cook’s.
But I digress. He went on to give moonbats the world over sage advise on how to “make sure your Thanksgiving descends into a screaming match that mortifies your loved ones and makes you feel superior to all your troglodyte cousins.”
He starts by advising the family Obamabot to stay away from close relatives as they can easily bring in emotional baggage that can ruin the effort to destroy the family get-together.
“It’s safest to go with relatives you only see once or twice a year. Your angry drunk uncle, if he’s game. Or that weird cousin who joined the Civil Air Patrol when you were in college,” he wrote.
He then suggested waiting until everyone is seated at the table so the antagonistic leftist will have a captive audience.
“Once you’ve engaged the enemy, it won’t take much effort to pivot to whatever particular subject you feel most comfortable with,” he added.
Cook then suggested fighting about Israel.
“Particularly if you are Jewish or are married to a Jew or are the child of an Evangelical Christian. If you can find a way to work your way backward to the Clinton impeachment, that’s always a gold mine of long-repressed rage and conflict,” he said.
After suggesting the family leftist drink as much as possible, Cook says a sure sign of victory is a racist epithet — which these days can be any number of things, like “golf,” or “Chicago,” or “chair” or even “Juan” — as in Juan Williams. Remember, these days, liberals can see racism in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Cook bragged that he once got his uncle to shout “because they’re swinging on trees and eating bananas!” during a Thanksgiving fight about the Sandinistas.
He then asked: “When Should I Toss My Silverware Onto My Plate and Stalk Dramatically Away From the Table?”
This is an important moment. Pulling the trigger too soon can make you seem petty and overly sensitive (you’re really going to run away over a Joe Biden joke recycled from Dennis Miller?), but disengaging too late risks letting things get out of hand. Plus, it’s wise to build in some time between the end of the fight and the end-of-dinner goodbyes to let everyone cool off. And it’s crucial that you walk away before your adversary does—if he leaves first, everyone else at the table is left looking at you and seething. I like to time things so that I walk away in a huff right before coffee is served.
He concluded by advising the liberal to “keep it light.”
“You’re providing entertainment/mortification for the rest of the table, so try to hit a tone of bemused contempt rather than righteous outrage. And be thankful that you have a retrograde family to make you feel better about yourself,” he said.
So much for that new tone.
Note to self: Never invite John Cook to a family meal. Or anything else. Ever.
- Slate: Racism may explain preference for white turkey meat
- Texas professor: Founders like Nazis, Thanksgiving a ‘white-supremacist holiday’
- Rush Limbaugh presents real story of Thanksgiving (Video)
- Liberals on Twitter: Thanksgiving, America, Charlie Brown racist
- By their actions, liberals prove they are the real racists
- Portland school sees racism in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches