I’ve been hearing a lot about Common Core. Now I admit I don’t know a lot about it, in fact I thought it was Siamese apples. Therefore, I called for that great American, the Skillful Sleuth to help me out and as always, he came through. here is his report.
The Skillful Sleuth
Liberal’s Nightmare Way
Patriotville, Ohio USA
First, let me thank Stewie Griffin for loaning me his time machine. And also let me apologize for accusing you of giving me the dimension hopper by mistake. I think you can see why I thought that was the case.
Anyway, I went to the near future in 2019, to visit a common core school. After the Pledge of Allegience to Karl Marx, and the singing of the national anthem, “Barack Obama MMM MMM MMM”, they began math class.
Teacher: If a capitalist had a million dollars and he invests it, making a 25% profit, what would you have?
Johnny: A mean spirited rightwing extremist who refuses to p-ay his fair share and stole everything he got from the poor.
Teacher: Excellent, Johnny. I see you’ve been studying. Next question. If you sign a contract with the teacher’s union, giving them a 20% raise, more days off and less work and it allowed them to raise union dues by 13 million dollars, how much will the kickback to your campaign be? Yes, Barry?
Barry: All of it and they need to send me their birthday money, their anniversary money, their pizza money and the pennies off the eyes of poor old dead Aunt Bertha.
Teacher: And?
Barry: Oh, rats, I forgot. They have to supply me with goons to kick the crap out of black conservatives.
Teacher: Good work, Barry, but I expect you to get it right the first time next time.
Barry: By the way, any news on the class presidential election?
Teacher: Yes and congratulations you won. Out of the 13 students in this class, you received 147 votes. Now on to geography. Who can tell me where the “Cradle of Civilization” is? Rahm?
Rahm: Chicago?
Teacher: Yes!!! And where is all the United State’s gold hidden? Yes, Miss Feinstein?
Diane: In my husband’s sock drawer.
Teacher: I am so proud of you. You’ve all done your homework last night. Now on to civics. Are conservatives racists?
Nancy: YES
Teacher: Are liberals racists?
Joe: No, we believe everyone should own at least four.]
In Unison: Shut up, Joe!!!
Teacher: Who knows what the Constitution is? Sonia?
Sonia: It’s an archaic scrap of paper that’s been replaced by the ideology of a wise Latino.
Teacher: Very good. I see we’ve been working for nearly five minutes now, so it’s time for recess. Be back here in 90 minutes. Remember, if you are late, you will miss lunch time.
*Break from live coverage*
I decided to follow the teacher and see what she did for recess. I assumed she supervised the children on the playground, but instead, she went into the nurse’s office where she received a fat marijuana cigarette. I guess my shock showed and she explained it was for medicinal purposes. It seems the stain of teaching 13 children for 5 minutes created a lot of stress. I asked about the kids. She explained that in common core, it’s not permissible to intrude on the privacy or the creativity of the students.
I walked out to see what they were doing. There was one kid who had set up a table, where he was trading condoms for food stamps. Another student, a female, was offering peeks at her girlfriend’s undies for a buck. I decided it was safer inside.
*Time in*
Teacher: Ok, class. Does everyone have their food stamps? It’s lunch time. Today’s special is Arugula Casserole. Be back in two hours, and beware, the food police are on duty.
*Time out*
I didn’t have the guts to eat lunch and besides, I found out they don’t except cash.
*Time in*
Teacher: Class, would you please get out your English as a Second Language Notebooks? Now, which phrase is correct? Conservatives is racists or Conservatives are racists?
Nancy: Both.
Teacher: Very good, Nancy. Here is your gold star. Now who can tell me how much 2 plus 2 is. Billy?
Billy: It depends on what your definition of the word “is” is.
Teacher: Correct. In 2012, who abandoned the Libyan ambassador to freedom loving friendly Muslim good old boys our for a good time? Yes, Hillary.
Hillary: What difference does it make?
Teacher: Bravo! I guess the conservatives were right about one thing. Standardized testing works.
At this point, I ran as fast as my legs could take me and returned to the present. That is my report. I am the Skillful Sleuth saying goodbye and vaya con Obama.
