Weekend at Osama’s

Weekend at Osama’s


Barry and Hillary were on the roof of their company, when Hillary noticed that 5 million dollars worth of munitions, bought and paid for, didn’t show up in the inventory, suggesting embezzlement.  Armed with this information, they made an appointment with the CEO, Osama bin Laden.

During the meeting, Osama seemed to be a little tense.  He listened as the two laid out their case and he quickly tried to dissuade them.  When it was apparent they were sticking to their guns, he switched tactics and congratulated them on their find.  He then invited them to his weekend vacation retreat in  Abbottabad, Pakistan.  They readily agreed and Osama gave them directions on how to get to his compound.

Meanwhile, Osama makes a desperate call to an Hungarian mafia chieftain, known only as George.  He arranged a meeting at a local restaurant. As they dined on lobster and caviar, Osama explained that two of his people had discovered the embezzlement and asked George to have them killed.  George smiled and assured him the matter would be taken care of.

As soon as Osama left, George turned to his companion and told him to forget Barry and Hillary and to bump off Osama because he had stolen George’s cache of porn and had taken it to his compound.  The companion smiled and said, “I’m a bit rusty, but I’m sure it will come back to me.”

As soon as the two left Osama’s office, they began congratulating themselves and Barry checked his mail to see if he had been awarded another Nobel Prize.  He and Hillary went to their respective homes and began packing.  Barry picked up Hillary and they made their way to the Oasis, where they could catch the next caravan to  Abbottabad.

When they got there, they panicked because the caravan was pulling out.  They ran across the burning sands and with one desperate last burst of energy hurled themselves onto one of the camel’s backs.  It was then that they realized the caravan was just coming into the Oasis station.  Camels are often called the “Ships of the Desert”, probably because they are filled with Arab semen.

Before the two got to Osama’s compound the Hungarian’s hit man showed up at the compound .  He asked Osama for a drink and when he bent over the assassin gave him an ejection in his butt…then he killed him with a lethal injection of ham and ricin.  He put on a yarmulke as a disguise and quickly left the compound.  More quickly than he planned after the guards recognized him as a Jew.

The caravan finally arrived at the compound and Barry and Hillary located Osama’s and made their way up the hill to it.  As they walked through the garden, Barry spotted a patch of White Widow marijuana.  He yanked off a large bud and shoved it in his pocket.  This would come in handy in case he felt the need for total absorption.


As they entered the house, they began yelling out to Osama but did not receive an answer.  While Barry busies himself breaking up the bud, Hillary walks through the house and to her surprise found it empty.  No Osama, no wives, no children.  Then she enters his office and finds him sitting back in his chair with sunglasses hiding his eyes.  She went over and tried to wake him up, just to discover, he was dead.

She calls out to Barry, who saunters in taking a deep hit on his doobie.  Hillary explains that Osama is dead and Barry gets a concerned look on his face and said, “I’m sure I told Team Six to stand down.  Or maybe I didn’t.  My bad.”

Hillary exploded, “You moron!  I finally get a chance to get in good with the boss and you blew him away.”

“I said I was sorry. Now, what do we do.”

“We have to call the police.  A man is dead.”

They moved Osama to the living room and sat him on the couch.  Suddenly, a large group of people came in and Barry spotted , Mohamed Morsi, whom Barry had been trying to courtBarry turns to Hillary and tells her they should wait to call the police, at least for the time being.  The two began noticing that people were saying hello to Osama and no one seemed to notice that he was dead.  They were shocked.  Barry sidles over to Morsi and asks him if he would like to take a walk.

They walked along the beach hand in hand and Barry told Morsi that he would do anything for him.  “1.5 billion dollars?  You got it.  And I’ll even throw in 28 F-16s and 140,000 tear gas canisters.”  Morsi lays his head on Barry’s shoulder and they enter an old guard tower.  In the tower was a mortar and barry decided to fire it in the general direction of Israel.  The kickback sent him back to the trap door and he fell down it and rolled down the steps all the way to the bottom.

Morsi rushes to his side and comforts him.  They walk along the Oasis and sat down in the soft sand.  Unbeknownst to Barry, Hillary had gotten nervous and dumped Osama over the railing and into the Oasis, thinking it was the ocean.  As Barry and Morsi sat at the waters edge and began to get closer, Osama’s body floats up onto the sand beside them.  So before they could consummate their relationship, Barry had to lead Morsi away, so that he wouldn’t discover the body.

Morsi was visibly upset and Barry, needing to sooth his feathers offered to let Morsi capture an ambassador, which he could redeem anytime for one blind sheik.  They made their way back to the party just as it was beginning to break up.  Barry and Hillary recovered Osama and left him on the deck to dry out overnight.

The next morning, Hillary went out on the deck to see Barry.  He was wearing Osama’s brand new Rolodex watch, complete with all the names and numbers of his terrorist operatives.   Hillary admonished Barry for taking the watch.  Barry explained that the watch rightfully should go to him because Osama no longer needed it and besides most of those people now worked for him.  They agreed that they needed to get rid of the body, so Hillary called, Cheryl Mills, and explained the problem.  Mills agreed to take care of the situation right after she finished burying Benghazi and the sex and drug scandal in Hillary’s department.

That would be too late, so Barry and Hillary decided to do it themselves, despite the fact neither one had ever accomplished anything in their lives.  They tied Osama to the back seat of their dune buggy and went out to find someplace to dump the body.  On the way, they were pursued by Osama’s crazy neighbor, who had been trying to buy Osama’s bulletproof Hummer.  They managed to get away, but in the process lost all chance of dumping the body.

The Hungarian mobster’s hit man saw Obama riding in the back of the dune buggy and assumed that he hadn’t killed Osama after all.  He followed them back to the house and when Hillary and Barry left Osama on the deck, he saw his chance and began choking Osama violently.  After a few minutes had passed, he checked Osama’s pulse and found none.  Satisfied, he left quickly to avoid being spotted.

Barry and Hillary decided to try one last time to dispose of Osama’s body and once again they tied him to the dune buggy.  They mase their way around the oasis.  The assassin spotted them and began giving chase.  Barry and Hillary began throwing excuses at the assassin, who was easily able to dodge them since they were so lame.  They could see their only chance was to get back to the house and pray for help.

They parked the dune buggy next to the front door and ran inside, barring the door behind them, only to realize the windows contained no glass.  The assassin jumped through the window and in an act of desperation, Barry managed to open the closet where he kept a secret weapon.

Lois Lerner came storming out and began shouting questions at the assassin, asking him who his donors were, what he prayed for, and how many bowel movements he had on the average day.  Seeing the assassin was becoming punch drunk, Lerner unleashed a haymaker and ordered his taxes audited for the past 23 years. Down he went.  Hillary called the Ft Marcy police to come and sort things out.

When all was said and done, Hillary asked the police for a ride back and Barry and Morsi were last seen walking hand in hand down the beach to a secluded area and into the sunset.

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